I have thought to write this over the years, but I have always chickened out. Today I will say it.
I read a repeat of a heartbreaking headline yesterday: "Baby Suffocates in Hot Car." I can never read the articles; they are too awful. And I always feel horribly sick to my stomach. And I can't read them because after the article usually come the comments. The comments where perfect strangers to the people involved berate them publicly for being the worst of parents, neglectful monsters, and worthy of death or worse. I assume because you are all my friends that you have never (nor would) post any such thing in such an instance, but be honest, have you ever thought those things?!
I'm here to tell you (and risk losing friends in the process) that if you've ever thought (or said) those things, you need to say them to me. No, I've never lost a child to suffocation in a hot car, but... I could have. I could be the one being called those terrible names.
When our youngest was under six months old, I took her to Food 4 Less to get groceries with me. It was a rare moment for me. I usually had all the kids with me or none of them. Never just one. She fell asleep on the drive over and was perfectly silent when I arrived. And then the auto-pilot kicked in, and I got out of the car and went into the store, without even a glance into the back seat. As I pushed my cart through the store, gathering our week's worth of groceries, including baby items like diapers and teething crackers, it never once occurred to me what I had done. Not until I was completely finished with my shopping (at least 40 minutes later) and was returning to the car with my packed bags did I realize what I had done. I saw the curve of the car seat handle through the window and - ah yes, that is the feeling I get all over again when I see those headlines - I got weak at the knees and sick to my stomach.
God had other plans than tragedy for our family that day as it was a moderate fall day, neither too hot nor too cold. Our baby was fine, apparently having slept the entire time. I, on the other hand, was not fine, and thought perhaps I should call CPS on myself! I trembled all the way home... And I have never seen one of those stories the same way again.
Perhaps this does nothing for your attitude toward that latest breaking news story (which I did not read, as I have said, so if true negligence was involved, forgive my ignorance); but I hope it does. The comment that no mother should be able to forget her child ("After all, I never have!") rings true to me - how could I have?! And yet... I did. I can blame it on postpartum baby-brain, over-tiredness, or just routine, but the bottom line is: I forgot my baby. And tell me, my friend, am I unfit to be a mother? These precious ones that fill my thoughts and my prayers, cause me worry and stress when they start spreading their young adult wings, well me up with tears whenever they are in pain - should I give them all over to another mom who is worthy? Or are we moms all truly alike, and we all have moments of motherhood that we wish we could change - that word, that look, that moment of discipline delivered in anger, that time we said no when we could have said yes. Are any of us living as parents with no regrets?!
And what good is grace if not offered at moments like these. The stories I have read in the past tell of parents too distraught to face family and spouses. They are beating themselves up even worse than the anonymous commenter is. Is this the truly unforgivable mistake of parenting? Can't we put ourselves in their shoes and give grace? Even if you never have, or never think you could, do such a thing, you can give grace. Because, my friend, God has given you grace. He has overlooked some area of your life where perhaps I may never even understand why you would stumble. But as the perfect Father, He understands, and offers grace instead of shame. And I hope today you will give me, your friend, and her, that stranger, that same grace.
I read a repeat of a heartbreaking headline yesterday: "Baby Suffocates in Hot Car." I can never read the articles; they are too awful. And I always feel horribly sick to my stomach. And I can't read them because after the article usually come the comments. The comments where perfect strangers to the people involved berate them publicly for being the worst of parents, neglectful monsters, and worthy of death or worse. I assume because you are all my friends that you have never (nor would) post any such thing in such an instance, but be honest, have you ever thought those things?!
I'm here to tell you (and risk losing friends in the process) that if you've ever thought (or said) those things, you need to say them to me. No, I've never lost a child to suffocation in a hot car, but... I could have. I could be the one being called those terrible names.
When our youngest was under six months old, I took her to Food 4 Less to get groceries with me. It was a rare moment for me. I usually had all the kids with me or none of them. Never just one. She fell asleep on the drive over and was perfectly silent when I arrived. And then the auto-pilot kicked in, and I got out of the car and went into the store, without even a glance into the back seat. As I pushed my cart through the store, gathering our week's worth of groceries, including baby items like diapers and teething crackers, it never once occurred to me what I had done. Not until I was completely finished with my shopping (at least 40 minutes later) and was returning to the car with my packed bags did I realize what I had done. I saw the curve of the car seat handle through the window and - ah yes, that is the feeling I get all over again when I see those headlines - I got weak at the knees and sick to my stomach.
Perhaps this does nothing for your attitude toward that latest breaking news story (which I did not read, as I have said, so if true negligence was involved, forgive my ignorance); but I hope it does. The comment that no mother should be able to forget her child ("After all, I never have!") rings true to me - how could I have?! And yet... I did. I can blame it on postpartum baby-brain, over-tiredness, or just routine, but the bottom line is: I forgot my baby. And tell me, my friend, am I unfit to be a mother? These precious ones that fill my thoughts and my prayers, cause me worry and stress when they start spreading their young adult wings, well me up with tears whenever they are in pain - should I give them all over to another mom who is worthy? Or are we moms all truly alike, and we all have moments of motherhood that we wish we could change - that word, that look, that moment of discipline delivered in anger, that time we said no when we could have said yes. Are any of us living as parents with no regrets?!And what good is grace if not offered at moments like these. The stories I have read in the past tell of parents too distraught to face family and spouses. They are beating themselves up even worse than the anonymous commenter is. Is this the truly unforgivable mistake of parenting? Can't we put ourselves in their shoes and give grace? Even if you never have, or never think you could, do such a thing, you can give grace. Because, my friend, God has given you grace. He has overlooked some area of your life where perhaps I may never even understand why you would stumble. But as the perfect Father, He understands, and offers grace instead of shame. And I hope today you will give me, your friend, and her, that stranger, that same grace.
Yes,yes,yes!!!! This exactly my friend!!! I know someone else who I think highly of who had this happen as well. NONE of us are immune to mistakes, some of us are just 'lucky' enough to come out unscathed. Mistakes thery are. Grace,grace,grace to all the mamas doing their darned best. Love you!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement, Mandy! <3
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