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This Season, this Manna, this Father

The first day of summer - the first full day of a week without my six oldest. The seasons are changing...

I want this to be a time of relaxation and reset and rebirth, but something in me fears it won't happen - that it isn't possible; that they will come home and it will all be still as it was.

As I look at what life would be without the six in it, I know I love them; I know I want them back; but... I don't want back the life we have had lately, fraught with tension, cross looks, hormone release, and lots of tears. I miss them. But perhaps I miss them because I miss the opportunities to do more, love more, engage more. Opportunities I didn't take often enough. That I missed. I miss the six because I have missed the opportunities.


And then, I read two witnesses on the bread in the wilderness and I am convicted. Manna - no one, the wise fathers nor the up-and-coming children, knew what it was. But they ate it. They trusted God, and ate it. And it says they were given manna - "that which makes no sense"- to learn that GOD sustains. It is what comes from His mouth that truly feeds the whole of us. "Man [lives]... by ALL that proceeds from the mouth of God." (Deut 8:3) His all filling me. And when I choose to give thanks and walk where He ordains and eat what He provides, I can trust and have joy.

Or...I can choose to grumble. And as the Israelites found when they refused thankfulness and complained about the unknown way and the mysterious food, choosing not to trust brings sickness and death. When I refuse to say "yes" to what God has spoken as the path for my life, I choose distrust, reject joy, and die a soul-death.

With my children gone, I fear for their safety. I fear they will never come home. I fear that losing them will be the manna in the wilderness I must swallow. But what if their coming home to life the-way-it-has-been is the true mystery I must be thankful for. What if God isn't trying to make me a better wife or mother or conflict resolver? (What would it have gained the Israelites to have studied to be better farmers in the wilderness?) What if my lesson is just to walk through this wilderness, with the snakes, and the sun, and the thirst, and learn that I don't need to do it all - to be it all. God's mouth will provide my all. What if I need only to look back and see how He carried me as a father "carries his son." (Deut 1:31) What if He is still trying to make me see how much He loves me, to help me swallow and digest that truth until His love for me is what my children encounter instead of the venom of my ungrateful heart resisting this wilderness journey?

Thank you, Father, for each of these precious souls that you have entrusted me with. Let me focus on drawing near to you and feeding on your truths instead of trying to conjure up my own sustenance for myself and my family. Let this be a season of rebirth - of my relationship with you and not of my efforts to be "better."

A Psalm for the Season
The Lord is my Guide; I shall not be anxious.
He makes me slow down when I think I should hurry.
He teaches me from peace-filled mentors.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of struggle that I may see His provision and praise Him.
Even though I walk through what seems to be the death of my family as I imagined it,
I will not fear or quit or be ungrateful,
For He is always with me.
His Word and His Spirit, they comfort me.
He has prepared a table of plenty in the midst of my wilderness;
He fills my head with Scripture,
His love overflows.
Surely gratefulness and humility will be my response all the days of my life,
And I will praise the salvation of Jesus in the house of the Lord forever.

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