Noticing More Beauty

As I overheard him reading theology (Wayne Grudem's Systematic) to a few of the kids yesterday, I was struck with the thought that I may have truly married a "man after God's own heart." Oh, he is certainly not the picture of perfection - I have lived with him enough years to know that. And yet... at the end of the day, Joshua wants God as much as anyone else I know. I have spent years looking over his shoulder, fearful of and judgmental over the things he has allowed himself to get caught up in; and at the same time, I have worked so hard to keep my own external image squeaky clean. But... If I take a step back and look at the heart of this man, he is every bit a David! His sins may be obvious and even egregious. He may even be able to ignore his own guilt for a time. But when confronted with the truth, his heart for God wins every time. Josh knows the closer he is with God, the farther he is from sin. And so, where I dabble in a relationship with God, ...

Rejoice always,   pray continually,   give thanks in all circumstances;   for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.  1Thessalonians 5:16-18 Always.... All... Really? Surely not! I got the diagnosis of Gestational Diabetes last week. I know it isn't a life-threatening condition. I know all traces of it will most likely fade as the babies emerge. I know I can produce healthy babies even in the midst of it. But... I don't want it! I've had six full term pregnancies with no hint of GD, and I don't want to be constrained by what I can and cannot eat. I don't want complications and blood draws (needles!!). I don't want labels that make me feel unhealthy.  But... When I reached for my list of things to give thanks for, the only thing I could think to write was Gestational Diabetes. Not one other thing could I shake out of the pen. Or perhaps I couldn't because I actually refused to write GD there. I wasn't thankful for it. I resented it. But....

June 30 Day before the miracle son becomes 15 - how did it go by so quickly - why does my heart try to keep him so much younger? Reading Ann ( http://www.aholyexperience.com/one-thousand-gifts-book/ ) is good medicine. Just read the "toast" chapter and remembered our own toast moment just 48 hours ago, and I let anger win, but it never really does, because we all lose when I choose anger. It only births pain. But I don't want pain. I want joy. And so I must beg God to see His face in the moment, to help me choose the thanks to redeem the ugly, to count this hard space as a grace gift too. But of course, that means I will have to accept another opportunity to choose joy. I will have to practice, and practice is what makes perfect, but it isn't always lovely. I will have to work to get it right. And at the same time, I am wrestling to see my new image in The Man's eyes. Who am I when "lover" is no longer my main role? What wi...