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Thoughts

June 30

 Day before the miracle son becomes 15 - how did it go by so quickly - why does my heart try to keep him so much younger?

Reading Ann (http://www.aholyexperience.com/one-thousand-gifts-book/) is good medicine. Just read the "toast" chapter and remembered our own toast moment just 48 hours ago, and I let anger win, but it never really does, because we all lose when I choose anger. It only births pain.


But I don't want pain. I want joy. And so I must beg God to see His face in the moment, to help me choose the thanks to redeem the ugly, to count this hard space as a grace gift too. But of course, that means I will have to accept another opportunity to choose joy. I will have to practice, and practice is what makes perfect, but it isn't always lovely. I will have to work to get it right.




And at the same time, I am wrestling to see my new image in The Man's eyes. Who am I when "lover" is no longer my main role? What will happen when my body is no longer the primary motivator for his thoughtfulness? Who are we now? Can we fall back on friendship? Have I been a good friend? Can I be a better one? Friends share interests, time, and secrets. They talk and plan and laugh. Can I put aside "lover" and take up "laugher"? Can I be content to just be joy in his life? Isn't that enough?






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