The Path to Lovely

It was Homecoming week at the new school this week. The traditional time celebrating the sports (football, in this case) team's opportunity to play at their home turf after a time of "away" games. The players are once again surrounded by their own family and friends. The cheerleaders and pep band lead the students and fans in songs and cheers of support. The players are on the field they are most comfortable with. They are safe here; they are home.

The week of events started with a banquet and ended with a "Tailgate Party," complete with a chili cook-off, a corn hole tournament, face-painting, and, of course, a football game. After the crock-pots had been cleared and the cinnamon roll frosting licked off fingers, we packed in the bleachers with the other fans of the sport that resembles teenage bull-fighting. As we cheered and groaned and celebrated over the plays, a conversation starts with the mom in front of us - she whose son shares a locker with ours. The topic turns from game commentary, to the next season of sports, to parenting, to prayer. And then she shares it - the piece of wisdom that changed her control-driven ways - "I learned to truly surrender to the Lord. I had a relationship with Jesus before, but I realized I wasn't truly surrendering my burdens. When I did, my life became.... lovely! My marriage is lovely - it's all just... lovely!" She laughs over the repetition of the word; but it is true. She radiates a freedom and joy that is truly lovely to see.

And I focus on her words and her story and nod in agreement because I need to keep the topic on her. Because I can feel the lump rising in my throat if I dare to turn the lesson inward on my own life.

"Surrender"

I can't look it squarely in the eye; I can barely give it a sideways glance without the tears welling up. Because I'm not; I haven't; I don't know if I can....!

"Surrender"

... to this man I married, to this move across the country, to this motherhood calling, to the limbo of house-hunting, to the difficult landlord, to the trauma of the last year and the two before that, ultimately, to His plans for me - even the ones that smart with the pain...?

And there it is again, the tightening throat and the unbidden tears... it's the pain I can't seem to surrender to... There's been so much pain in our lives in the last few years. I just don't think I can handle any more. But does the struggle against it accomplish anything to diminish it?

In the preparation for the intense and extensive pains of childbirth, I learned the phrase "Relax your face!" The rest of the body has trouble staying tense when the face is relaxed. It has been often repeated in our house over the years - not merely during the seven labors of the eight babies, but also in the cases of leg cramps, smashed fingers, and stubbed toes. "Relax your face!" - sometimes shouted very loudly to be heard over the cries of the one in anguish. But somehow to release the grip on the grimace is to release the grip on the pain. The surrendering releases the suffering. The hurt may linger for a while, but handling it becomes possible. And then, sometimes, as in the miracle of birth, something amazing is brought forth from the agony. New life, new opportunities, new responsibilities... birthed from the pain of the past. And it is... lovely.