Part one:
I spend most of my time nursing these days, and the short gaps in between are difficult for me to fill with intentionality; but today I must, I must write and record in order to remember and learn. Such things are a shame to forget.
"I miss you, Heavenly Father." I said it the way I tell The Man I miss him, after days of activities, needs, and busyness make me forget the feeling of "us." In fact, I said it to him recently as well. But this time when I said it to him, instead of a mere fact, it had guilt hiding in the undertones. Guilt because my days never seem to include moments to make him feel that he is the most important person in my life. And then when he greets me with an unexpected, "I love you," instead of feeling joy, I turn to guilt and disbelief. I have trouble believing that he still loves me unless my action seem to deserve it. And I discover I am trapped in works-based righteousness again. With my husband and with my Father. Do I really think I can earn their love - that I can do enough, say enough, get up early enough to be worthy of what they offer? Or that they even WANT those things from me - need them, before they will bestow their favor on me?! No, the love they each offer is truly unconditional. They are pleased to grant it even on the days when I "deserve" it the least. And when I just relax and accept their love and let the guilt wash away, I find it is actually easier to respond well. To my man, with a warm hug, a smile, a quick shoulder rub at the end of his day. To God, with more conversational prayers, an hour of praise music, whispered thanks for sweet moments.
Father, forgive me for too often thinking I am enough and that I deserve your love. Thank you that your love is always there for me, even when I think of it wrongly. And thank you for a husband who daily exemplifies your unconditional love to me.
Part two:
One month ago, God saw fit to take our beloved Aunt Janie to be with Him.
And I had no idea... No idea she had touched so many - not that it was that surprising - but I never knew she was such a celebrity in her community. Hundreds looked to her and she pointed them to Jesus. I had no idea she was so loved. And no idea how much she loved me! She was always loving and beaming and smiling when we were together, but I didn't know how special I was in her eyes. Until she was gone, and those who lived near her love told me. Like the once school friend who said Auntie talked about us (the sisters and I) constantly. And I instantly want to go back - go back to love her back - to reciprocate and send more emails and pictures - to make sure she knew I loved her too. To love her better. But that was the beauty of her love; it wasn't dependent upon my acceptance, my reciprocation, or even my knowledge of it. It was unconditional. Just like my Father's love. He is crazy about me too! I took His free gift and joined His family and He crowned me with His love. But sometimes I forget. I feed babies and clean messes and chat with friends and feed babies and call mom and hope for the best and...forget how much He loves me. Truly, like Aunt Janie's love, do I even KNOW how much He cares?! And yet the beauty of it, again, is that His love is not dampened by my ignorance of it. It is always there. And Auntie would love nothing better than for me to, above all, (she who was counting to 1,000 gifts too) acknowledge His vast love and not feel regret or guilt but simply to say "thank you" and let it change me.
I spend most of my time nursing these days, and the short gaps in between are difficult for me to fill with intentionality; but today I must, I must write and record in order to remember and learn. Such things are a shame to forget.
"I miss you, Heavenly Father." I said it the way I tell The Man I miss him, after days of activities, needs, and busyness make me forget the feeling of "us." In fact, I said it to him recently as well. But this time when I said it to him, instead of a mere fact, it had guilt hiding in the undertones. Guilt because my days never seem to include moments to make him feel that he is the most important person in my life. And then when he greets me with an unexpected, "I love you," instead of feeling joy, I turn to guilt and disbelief. I have trouble believing that he still loves me unless my action seem to deserve it. And I discover I am trapped in works-based righteousness again. With my husband and with my Father. Do I really think I can earn their love - that I can do enough, say enough, get up early enough to be worthy of what they offer? Or that they even WANT those things from me - need them, before they will bestow their favor on me?! No, the love they each offer is truly unconditional. They are pleased to grant it even on the days when I "deserve" it the least. And when I just relax and accept their love and let the guilt wash away, I find it is actually easier to respond well. To my man, with a warm hug, a smile, a quick shoulder rub at the end of his day. To God, with more conversational prayers, an hour of praise music, whispered thanks for sweet moments.
Father, forgive me for too often thinking I am enough and that I deserve your love. Thank you that your love is always there for me, even when I think of it wrongly. And thank you for a husband who daily exemplifies your unconditional love to me.
Part two:
One month ago, God saw fit to take our beloved Aunt Janie to be with Him.
And I had no idea... No idea she had touched so many - not that it was that surprising - but I never knew she was such a celebrity in her community. Hundreds looked to her and she pointed them to Jesus. I had no idea she was so loved. And no idea how much she loved me! She was always loving and beaming and smiling when we were together, but I didn't know how special I was in her eyes. Until she was gone, and those who lived near her love told me. Like the once school friend who said Auntie talked about us (the sisters and I) constantly. And I instantly want to go back - go back to love her back - to reciprocate and send more emails and pictures - to make sure she knew I loved her too. To love her better. But that was the beauty of her love; it wasn't dependent upon my acceptance, my reciprocation, or even my knowledge of it. It was unconditional. Just like my Father's love. He is crazy about me too! I took His free gift and joined His family and He crowned me with His love. But sometimes I forget. I feed babies and clean messes and chat with friends and feed babies and call mom and hope for the best and...forget how much He loves me. Truly, like Aunt Janie's love, do I even KNOW how much He cares?! And yet the beauty of it, again, is that His love is not dampened by my ignorance of it. It is always there. And Auntie would love nothing better than for me to, above all, (she who was counting to 1,000 gifts too) acknowledge His vast love and not feel regret or guilt but simply to say "thank you" and let it change me.
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